69th Emmy Awards

You may have seen my “Week That Was” post earlier this week where I anguished about the Emmys, lamenting how many times they have gotten their awards wrong before. And sure, there were some shockers (6 WINS FOR JULIA LOUIS DREYFUS IN VEEP, REALLY?), but I was astonished tonight to see so many categories won by the right people/series. ASS-TON-ISHED.

Without further ado, read on for an Emmys wrap-up in three parts: As-Wrong-As-RPDR-Losing-To-The-Voice; As-Right-As-RuPaul-Winning-Oustanding-Host-Of-A-Reality-Series; and The Moments That Need To Be Talked About.

As-Wrong-As-RPDR-Losing-To-The-Voice

I love me some Alison Janney. But she deserves more than your grandma’s curtains and the early noughties swide-swept fringe. She’s a babe and she’s awesome.

Oh Ariel Winter, we get it. YOU’RE ALL GROWN UP. You don’t have to show us every time you leave the house, we totally get it. And you are going to regret this one day.

It should NOT be this hard to make Heidi Klum look good! Why does she always always always look sooooo bad? I mean always. Like here, here and here. And here and here. From the hair to the earrings to the makeup to the limp, cheap-looking dress itself…I can’t.

Hahahahaha. Ahahahaha. What a Tinkerbell nightmare. Whoever did Jessica Biel‘s hair hates her and I love that person.

Now THIS is disappointing. Kiernan Shipka wore better red carpet gowns when she was 13 years old. I’m not exaggerating. Seriously just Google her name + red carpet and you’ll know why this is such a disappointment. I always look forward to her appearances and then…this. As if Mondays aren’t awful enough.

I FEEL SO BAD ABOUT THIS, I LOVE LAURA DERN, I KNOW SHE IS ABOVE THIS, I JUST HAVE TO SAY I AM DONE WITH FEATHERS OK? But I DO like the top half.

Hey universe, what more does Mandy Moore have to go through? Can’t she just have the ultimate and total career renaissance she deserves? That includes amazing gowns okay. Not THIS.

I didn’t have to look at the caption of this image to know that Padma Lakshmi was wearing Zac Posen. Why? Because it’s taffeta, ill-fitting, and a vile shade of bubblegum pink. It’s a no-brainer.

UGH. WHAT THE HELL? Reese Witherspoon should’ve just worn a hat saying “Producer” and we would have gotten the message just as loud and clear and with less assault on our eyeballs. We get it Reese, you are a power player, it doesn’t mean you have to dress badly. Didn’t Elle Woods teach you anything?

Okay, this one hurts, but I also am cognisant enough to know that Samantha Bee wouldn’t give a single fuck what I think about this. It looked better on-screen, but it’s just too slightly ill-fitting to be flattering. Great colour though. And I love her.

Ugh, Sarah Hyland. She is literally wearing a brown red “fall” dress with falling leaves embroidered all over it. UGHHH. Brad Goreski (bf of the hilarious Gary Janetti) dresses the most basic bitches. In the most BASIC way. See also: Lea Michele.

I don’t even know why I’m bothering including Sofia Vergara in this list. I’ve literally never liked anything she’s worn since the first figure-hugging mermaid gown she wore. I get that she has curves she likes to flatter but there’s not only one silhouette that will suit her – there has to be more! She’s a babe!

Oooooh my Traceeeeee noooooooo whyyyyyyyyy? Tracee Ellis Ross is ALWAYS perfect. She is ALWAYS my very best dressed. WTF is this nightmare? The feathers are already unforgivable but the satin shoes and bulky loose top half are just well and truly insulting. Karla Welch, most important and impressive stylist to the stars, really dropped the ball on this one. That hurts more than anything else because I thought she was infallible. But between this and the next one, her girls were not as turned out as I’ve come to expect. With the exception of one. Keep reading.

Alas, it was not Elisabeth Moss. Even though it was her big night and she was the favourite to win Outstanding Actress in a Drama Series (one of the biggest awards of the night), she turned up like this. Entirely one colour from head to toe. Even her face is neutral. I actively hate this look. HATE IT. I don’t care if she had “fuck off” written under her shoe, she is dressed like a ballerina with not an ounce of interest in her outfit AT ALL. What’s the point of the badass message? Also, it fits yuck,

Okay, Gabrielle Union‘s look isn’t a TOTAL disaster, but I think that’s just because she is so stunning and cool and elevates it. Also, Dwyane Wade <3


As-Right-As-RuPaul-Winning-Oustanding-Host-Of-A-Reality-Series 

Full disclosure: I’ve never seen The Crown. But that doesn’t stop me LOV-ING this outfit on Claire Foy. Sure, Emma Stone did it first (and better), but this Oscar de la Renta number is still great.

Hands down, best dude of the night. I love me some Donald Glover and I love me a good ass purple suit.

Look at these babes slaying the game. There are no words for how much I love RuPaul so I won’t even try. Super into Michele Visage‘s red velvet gown also and her face is heavennnnn! Also Carson and Ross.

She is 70. Susan Sarandon is 70. I have never been, and will never be, this hot in my life. I’m okay with that if I can keep staring at her.

I KNOW. Shailene Woodley‘s hair is stringy and limp, she would benefit from a soft coral on her lips and the dress is kinda too big? But I like this. I like the colour and the cut. I hate myself. Also – her snarky “who has time for TV” comment on the red carpet made my blood boil. You literally have a career because of TV. You are literally AT AN AWARDS SHOW CELEBRATING TV. I can’t with her. But I can with this gown.

STERLING K BROWN CAN GET ITTTTTT. I take it back – he’s my best dude of the night. He is spectacular. I can’t stop looking at him.

Titus Burgess makes me feel joy. So does his jacket. So does his smile. I am full of joy right now.

I literally gasped when I saw Uzo Aduba on the red carpet. I love her hair and I love this silhouette on her. She’s amaaaaayzing.

Maybe my favourite colour on Viola Davis ever?! I mean the Golden Globes yellow was heaven and the Oscars red was breathtaking but this is soooooo pretty. Damn.

Fine, I’ll openly admit I’m biased for Yara Shahidi. If anybody else had worn this I would hate it, but they didn’t. Because she custom designed it with Prada. And it looks great. So sue me.

There are no words. So I present to you without comment: Lily Tomlin, Dolly Parton and Jane Fonda reunited once again. Actually, I do have one comment. I still remember watching Jane Fonda’s workout videos at my grandma’s house on school holidays when I was a kid, thinking it was a dance movie. I rewound and re-watched that tape thousands of times and now I wish I remember it more clearly BECAUSE IT OBVIOUSLY WORKED.

What would be a basic dress on literally anyone else is elevated to heavenly perfection on the baddest, most beautiful, queen on the planet. I saw mother! on the weekend and was reminded how stunningly gorgeous Michelle Pfeiffer was and now she’s taking my breath away altogether.

Okay, this doesn’t look great here, but it was good onscreen. Also, it’s Oprah. We’re like BFFs. I will never presume I am worthy enough of even breathing/thinking a negative thought about her. This is great. She is great. It really was better on the red carpet/onscreen. But the internet is the worst and I can’t find another full-length pic.

Marsai Martin is one to watch. This is age-appropriate AND flawless. Also, peep her Instagram. I’ve never been more jealous of a child in my life other than Blue, Sir and Rumi.

PHEW GIRL. Leslie Jones is spec-tac-u-lar. She is looking FINE. This is my favourite thing she’s ever worn. Well done Christian Siriano. I guess Leslie really did love your show (please click that link and live your best life).

JUDITH. DAMN. LIGHT. SHOWING. YOU. HOW. IT’S. DONE.

Another one that looked better on the red carpet, Issa Rae looked incredible but it doesn’t really translate in this image. She was gloooowing and radiating blissful joy. I’m obsessed with her.

Another Karla Welch girl, Sarah Paulson actually always gets it right. They are a dynamic style duo these two. I just wish Holland Taylor was there with her – I want to see them have a proper Moment on a red carpet and revel in how cool they are together. Anyway. The dress. I love it. It had a beautiful open back too. I mean, it’s not as good as the year she won, but she knew this wasn’t her night, so the dress was taken down a notch. And yet it was still incredible. I thought it was my favourite until I saw…

Nicole freakin’ Kidman. I can’t fully express how much I love this. I normally hate red gowns on red carpets but this was incredible. I also don’t usually like ballgown dresses, but I think the weirdo length saves it from actually being a lame ballgown prom princess dress. Any shorter and it would have been a 50s tea-length style dress. So she really nailed it. Super into the contrasting shoes too. And her makeup was flawless. Maaaaaaybe my only gripe could be directed at her hair, but I don’t want to…heh…split hairs. LOOOOOVE this.


The Moments That Need To Be Talked About

You still with me? Don’t worry, we’re nearly at the end… The Emmys aren’t only about the red carpet fashion of course. There are awards and speeches and stuff and this year, quite a few of these were noteworthy.

  • Donald Glover made history as the first director to win for a show he acted in (Atlanta) since 1977. Dayum. He also won for best lead actor! I was honestly shocked but very delighted when his name was read out but I guess the Emmys maybe have been paying attention to Peak TV.
  • Also making history was Lena Waithe (and Aziz Ansari) who won the Emmy for Outstanding Writing in a Comedy Series, making her the first black woman to do so! This is ridiculous and overdue but sooooo well deserved. The Thanksgiving episode of Master of None was amazing and heart-wrenching and she is so worthy of that standing ovation she received.
  • Alas, Julia Louis Dreyfus won Outstanding Actress in a Comedy Series, AGAIN! Are the Emmys for real? Do they not know how to remove people off the ballot? Why did Tracee Ellis Ross not win this award? WTF?
  • I hate Lorne Michaels‘ smug face.
  • Why was there a photographer’s pit on the stage? Was that a long-running gag or a real pit? That was dumb.
  • Dolly, Lily and Jane are heroes on their own, but together, they are iconic. “Back in 1980, in that movie [9-to-5], we refused to be controlled by a sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot, and in 2017, we still refuse to be controlled by a sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot.” Yas gawd.
  • Colbert did okay as host. Not as good as I thought he would, but he was okay. His best jokes –
    • “There’s so many talented African-American nominees – Jeffrey Wright, Viola Davis, Uzo Aduba, Anthony Anderson from ABC’s ‘Blackish’. And of course, Bill Maher. I assume he’s black since he’s so comfortable using the ‘N’ word. I don’t know.”
    • “If you do win, don’t forget to thank everyone who helped you get up here. Mainly ‘Game of Thrones’ for not being eligible this year.”
    • “The traditional Hollywood Prayer: Lord, thank you for giving us talent and beauty and the gaping whole inside of each of us that craves love and will never be filled. Amen.” aka my new daily life prayer.
  • RuPaul. As. The. Emmy. I screamed. Literally. My new co-workers were, um, “amused”. I was giddy. But it didn’t last long. Despite LITERALLY PERSONIFYING THE DAMN AWARD OF THE EVENING, it seems the Television Academy still couldn’t quite identify the iconic and renowned individual who played such a significant role at the awards (who had even won three of his own the week before). Can you guess what confused them? Racism, it was racism. 
  • Speaking of some bullshit. While Nicole Kidman (deservedly) won Outstanding Actress in a Limited Series and gave a pretty good speech (despite seemingly forgetting she once had two other children that apparently don’t exist anymore), she was let to go on and on and on to her heart’s desire until she was finished thanking every individual she’s ever met. It was long. HOWEVER. Outstanding Actor in a Drama Series Sterling K. Brown was not given the liberty and respect to do the same. Despite giving the best speech of the night and winning one of the most prestigious awards of the night, these fucks just couldn’t let him finish, and they cut his fucking microphone off. Are you kidding me with this shit? LET HIM HAVE HIS DAMN MOMENT. Why is every important good moment like this ruined?! Moonlight still hurts me. This hurt me too. Fuck’s sake.
  • Also the DJ dude on the back of the stage was weird and annoying.
  • Did I mention that RuPaul’s Drag Race lost Outstanding Reality Series to THE VOICE? You know RPDR – the series where contestants sew, dance, sing and act then go on to have stellar careers and more hit singles than anybody ever who has ever graced the stage of The Voice? You know that one? RPDR has literally made peoples’ lives better. It gave us KATYA for crying out loud.
  • Luckily Veep won another million awards. Luckily. Eyeroll.
  • That being said, Big Little Lies and The Handmaid’s Tale and Atlanta and Master of None were all recognised this year too and that made for a nice change from the Television Academy recognising iconic shows about 5 years after they’ve last been relevant (see: Mad Men, Friday Night Lights). And for the first time in foreverrrr Modern Family and Homeland and Big Bang Theory didn’t win ANYTHING. Hah!
  • Oh. And Sean Spicer was there. An insight into the process of normalisation that’s sure to follow. Awesome.

Phew. That’s it from me folks. I do bloody love awards shows. Which is weird, considering how ragey they can make me feel. But the joy overrides all else. How am I going to hold out all the way to the Globes for the next one?!

Images: Getty via Just Jared, news.com.au, eonline