My All-Time RuPaul All Stars

It’s no secret that I am a beyond massive fan of RuPaul’s Drag Race, but it is less widely known that I recently disowned a previously-valued friend who had never in her life heard of it (not “hadn’t watched it”, she had lit-er-ally NEVER HEARD OF IT! In 2017! She works in media! She actually straight-up asked me what a “ruple” was, like the martian she evidently is. R.I.P. friendship, it was fun while it lasted). So…yeah, it’s a big deal for me. And it took me a minute, but I recently finally caught up on season 9 and the love was reignited because I was excited by so many of the queens. Therefore, in anticipation of a surely-imminent All Stars 3, I’ve pulled together my own all-time dream cast, aka just my personal faves from all seasons past.

Note: this is a VERY personal list with VERY personal justifications, and I am VERY well aware that opinions will vary wiiiiiidely amongst passionate RPDR fans. I get it. Please don’t yell at me. These are just my feels. And I’m right.

Shea Couleé

Ooooft, season 9 could’ve gone either way amirite ladies? I mean, I LOVE me some Sasha Velour (see below), but the crown could’ve easily gone to either one of them. TBH, it panged my heart a little to watch her compete against her bestie in the finale because I loved watching them be cutey cute cute besties throughout the season. What I loved the most was that Shea was an all round triple threat – she could do everything, and do it damn well. Plus, she’s charismatic as hell. I honestly watched her with a dumb goofy grin on my face the entire competition – she just makes me smile! Plus, she seems like a good ass time.

Sasha Velour

Yeah, I know she won. But I love Sasha Velour and what she brings to the drag world sooooo damn much that I want to see her again. When she released the petals from under her wig during the lip sync, I (along with all the viewers at home), lost my damn mind. Like, I straight-up screamed and manic-texted my best friend during my entire freakout (he told me to stfu because I watched it a few weeks late and he had been trying to tell me the whole time). I want to see what else Sasha has in store to delight and surprise us. She also seems genuinely sweet and caring and even though she’s not the loudest queen, I can’t take my eyes off her when she’s around. She would help create the perfect balance for my ultimate All Star season.

Bob The Drag Queen

Again, I know she won her season, but I love love loved watching her. It wasn’t the best season, but I loved it because of Bob and I belly-laughed all season long. Also, on a side note, I just feel like we would get on really well if we met over a drink. Just saying.

Willam

There was a rumour that Willam was coming back for All Stars 3, but I think she debunked it. That’s a damn shame because we were robbed of Willam and we deserve more time with her. MORE, I SAY. Okay, it’s not like we don’t see her killing it all over the place, but she needs to go back and show these girls how it’s done. I don’t think we got to see her live up to her full potential on season 4 – this lady’s got a lot more tricks up her, um, tuck.

Pearl

I have a crush on Pearl. Bring back Pearl. I want more Pearl! She’s gorgeous, she’s cute and she’s funny. Fine, I’ll just cut to the conch – marry me Pearl.

Detox

I think Detox has done her Drag Race time TBH, but I just fucking love watching her. I could listen to her be shady for literal hours at a time (and often binge-watch her seasons just to do so). I also think that Detox is one of the most quotable queens of all time and I can’t get through one single day without asking someone “You know what I’ve had? IT. Officially.” which should tell you a lot about my daily life and overall happiness/state of mind.

Trixie Mattel

Surely Trixie is going to be on (and win) All Stars 3 right? But just in case she’s not, I’m throwing her in my season too. Trixie’s time was cut way too short on season 7, but I’m damn sure we haven’t seen the last of her yet (in the meantime, see: UNHhhh). Trixie is one of the funniest queens to grace our screens and she’s quick as a whip. I can barely keep up with her, and I always thought I was actually kinda witty. Watching a master go at it, well, she crushed that right outta me. I feel like if I ever met Trixie IRL I would just clam up and be too intimidated to get a single syllable out my mouth, but ultimately, I’d be okay with that. I’d just revel in her glorious glory and remember the times when I used to be able to converse with other humans. And maybe ask her when she was finally gonna propose to Katya, shit. Watch this and tell me you’re not shipping them by the end of it. MY HEART CAN’T TAKE IT.

Bianca Del Rio

I mean, she would never. I know this. And she doesn’t have to – she had a perfect season. But dayummm I loved watching her. Bianca is the epitome of perfection but not the kind of perfection that doesn’t come without hard work. She puts in the effort, she works at her craft, she hones her talents and she’s secure enough to never be threatened by other queens’ achievements. Do you know how self-assured you have to be to help your fellow contestants progress in a competition? Bianca Del Rio levels of self-assured, that’s what. And that only comes from putting in the werk and knowing yourself and your abilities inside and out. What a delight it was to watch someone slay the game at the top of their game.

*Drumroll please* we have reached the top spots – everyone else was in no particular order, but these are my top two queens ever of all time ever. Don’t @ me.

Courtney Act

Duhhhh. I’ve followed Courtney and her increasingly stellar career ever since she burst into Australia’s consciousness on Australian Idol way back in the day (I was 14) (I’m 28 now) (I never moved on) (Courtney/Bel can you believe it’s been 14 years now?) (Sorry I know that makes us all feel old). One of my now-besties (see above, re: Bel) started a fansite all those years ago and we met on the INTERNET when that was still A New Thing (scandal) and we immediately bonded over our mutual love. If I’m being honest, we were probably the presidents of the fan club. Just two totally healthy, normal, and rational teenage girls who decided that this beautiful drag queen would be the object of their obsession. Unbelievably, Courtney was gracious enough to not only not get freaked out every time she saw us turn up at one of her (all-age) shows, but welcomed us and indulged us every single time. She even let me interview her for my school newspaper (the theme was “Changes”, because obviously) and it was the front-page feature, because obviously. (Yes, I peaked in high school.) Anyway, we finally graduated to over-18 gigs in actual clubs. In fact, we spent my 18th birthday Stonewall and Courtney gifted me with all her free drinks, hah. Needless to say, she had me then and there forevermore because ALCOHOL. Since then, well, you know. She’s taken over the world. And no matter how snarky and catty she appeared on Drag Race, she couldn’t be further from either of those things. I’m so proud of her and so happy to watch her slay and be amazing because there couldn’t be a sweeter or more beautiful Queen out there.

Katya Zamolodchikova, the World’s #1 Transsexual Russian Prostitute

(And yep, I Googled the name and it still took me 12 minutes to spell it out letter-by-letter)

To be completely honest with you, this whole list was going to be a helluva lot different when I started it. In that I was just gonna cop out and do a post of 10 x Katyas but that just wouldn’t be fair. On Katya, I mean. Like, thas a lot of work competing with herself purely for my entertainment and joy. I fell in love with Katya like everyone else did on season 7 and cursed the gods when she was robbed in All Stars 2, but I became truly obsessed while watching her and her future wife Trixie Mattel flirt and do their thing on the perfectly hysterical web series UNHhhh. I seriously can’t stop bingeing. I play the entire series on a loop. And yeah, I do spend the whole time sitting there with hearts in my eyes, fantasising about how cute it will be when she and Trixie finally, openly, profess their undying love for each other and get.to.gether. But I digress. What makes Katya my ultimate Queen, other than being a gaht-damn mind-blowing gymnast who can drop into the splits any which way? GTFOH IF I NEED TO ANSWER THAT FOR YOU.

Eh, I’m not done talking about her yet so I’ll indulge myself and spell it out. Katya needs to be on my All Stars and win because not only is she hilarious (the primary key to my heart, always), but she’s a total sweetheart, she’s WOKE, she hates Katy Perry, she’s quirky as fuck, she has a spectacular way with words (in English, Russian AND French), and most importantly, she’s fucking smart as fuck so she’s always super interesting to watch. Like, she’s intimidatingly smart. I like smart. I’m into smart. Katya is SO smart. A smart funny sweetheart? Be still my heart. From her performances to her late-night ruminations on Periscope, Katya really gets deep and really makes me think, and I like that in my reality TV binge-watching. Katya, I don’t know if you’d do it, but if you ever deign to go back to RuPaul’s Drag Race, they better give you the fucking crown. Every crown. All the crowns. And then build a new Hall of Fame just filled with pictures of you modelling your crowns. You are perfect. Thank you for being so entertaining. Call me. You know, if you feel like chatting to a straight girl from Sydney who’ll gush over you and laugh at every damn thing you say but also engage in a deeper discussion about societal issues and movements that we, as individuals, need to constantly self-educate ourselves on so we never stop learning and continuing to progress. You know, just light-hearted chit chat.TL;DR? I want to stare at your face and pick your brain.

 

 

Featured image: Star Observer