Okay, so I am a lover of makeup and all things beauty, it’s no secret. I could talk about lipstick formulas for hours at a time (nothing beats NARS velvet matte lip pencils) and my hunt for the perfect blue-based red will probably continue until I give my final dying breath, and I acknowledge that not everyone shares my deep devoted passion, but there are some things I just CAN’T with when it comes to makeup. I lit-er-ally just don’t understand.
How do some people get through life without using primer? Or concealer? Or finishing translucent powder?! How do you cover pimples?? How does your makeup stay on all day? How come your foundation doesn’t get eaten by your pores? AM I DOING TOO MUCH EVERY MORNING OR ARE YOU ALL MISSING OUT?
Do people really, truly contour properly for daily life? Is this a thing that a lot of girls do now? I mean dark brown stripes, buckets of foundation, highlighter, the whole shebang? Because YouTube tutorials and Instagram lead me to believe this is just a real-life acceptable step of makeup application that people are doing and I DON’T understand. A bit of bronzer in a “3” shape framing the face and a dusting of illuminating powder (or liquid highlighter blended into foundation) and I am done with even the remotest form of contouring. TELL ME, WHO IS DOING THIS? Like some people think I am hardcore with my daily routine, but this is insane.
See above re: baking. Wut.
Do people who overline their lips know that it looks dumb? Do they know we can see and think they look dumb? Because in my experience not a single person IRL has managed to effectively do this.
Also…how did pink/red/orange/yellow eyeshadows become a trend for Real Life? Honestly all I see is jaundice/pink-eye/stoner eyes. Am I just old and lame? I’m all for *copper* or *bronze* or *gold* etc. but the full-on matte version of colours…I don’t understand. Like how is this a thing? Is anybody I know doing this in their lives and enjoying the effects? Can you let me know? I think maybe I’m just stale and not jumping on new techniques/trends like I used to, due to transforming into the crotchety old woman I’ve become.
Plz tell me how priming oil works. It seems like an inbuilt contradiction to me…how can oil help my makeup last longer?! It has so many great reviews?? Help!
Why do people want cut-creases ON PURPOSE? That’s just a thing that used to happen to my eye makeup at the end of the day before I discovered that Urban Decay eye primer existed.
And finally…how do people with fucking “stiletto” and “coffin” and every-other-insanely-named-nail-tip like, do life? Do you get scared every time you have to go pee? Or put on a bra? Or moisturise your face?! It just seems dangerous to me is all.
God I’m old.
Images: NARS, Sephora, Charlotte Tilbury, Mecca, Ulta