Look, I KNOW, stay with me. Sure, he could be considered clueless, useless and entitled to the nth degree, but there are many things to be learned from David! And I don’t just mean “what not to do”, I swear. He can truly help you be the best you you can be (and that is a real English sentence that is correct) (I think). I mean, other than having the greatest sweater collection, eyebrows, coif and facial expressions ever of all time, there’s so much to be learned from him to live your best life. And yes, Schitt’s Creek IS my favourite show of all time and I’ve watched the ENTIRE series on a loop about 8 times in the last month, but I’m not crayzee. In these many repeated viewings, I’ve become intimately accustomed to the nuanced detail of the show and I’ve realised that David is actually kind of…admirable.
Again, STAY WITH ME. I’ll prove it.
1.Taking care of you demonstrates self-respect.
Like, even when you have nothing. Less than nothing. Even if you are at the lowest point of your entire life. Running a brush through your hair, getting dressed for the day and religiously applying eye cream will help prevent you from reaching overwhelming pits of despair. So, even when you only have one measly soon-to-be-cancelled credit left but the dark baggies under your eyes are screaming for hydration after hours and hours of lonely night-crying, do YOU and use your final coin on some exxy eye cream from Paris. David could easily have stayed in his PJs all day and lost his will to live when his family lost all their money (not a spoiler – the entire premise of the show) but being ~ready~ at all times is a reminder that there is still something to live for even when it feels overwhelmingly like there is actually absolutely literally nothing to live for. I wouldn’t know this from first-hand experience obviously as I am in PJs and braless at the earliest possible opportunity whenever I am at home, but I admire this fastidiousness in David. And Moira, obviously. THE PYJAMA WAISTCOATS! Talk about always ready…Moira is it. Even in her sleep, literally. But I digress, this is about Daaaaa-vid.
2. If something works for you, go with it.
HOW JEALOUS ARE YOU AT THIS MOMENT? Not as much as me, thas for damn sure. David has the single greatest selection of black, white and grey sweaters of all time and it makes me so jealous I’m literally seething from the inside out. I guess that’s just how everyone seethes though? Whateverrrr. When you know something is workin’ for you, don’t question it, go hard. Incidentally, I also never wear colour so I’m extra feeling these sweaters. Not wearing colour is a great Way Of Life as it makes packing for anything a breeze (everything goes together), but it also brings with it a very specific and overwhelming type of anxiety pertaining to matching exact shades of black. That’s a whole other issue though that I don’t think I’ll ever overcome, nor will anybody in the human race, so I can easily accept it and move on.
3. Know your strengths. And weaknesses. But give it a go anyway!
Sure, David had never cooked before in his life and was blinded by terror when faced with such an epic challenge, but did he give it a go regardless? YES HE DID. Did it give him an aneurysm? PROBABLY. Did it result in a nevertheless delicious dinner and sense of overall achievement? I mean, almost. Props for trying! See also: joining a throuple; getting a job.
4. Don’t let your social anxiety rule you.
Cooking is one thing, but going for one’s driving test/license renewal is another beast. It’s never fun per se, but David was extreeeemely apprehensive about this particular Life Event. BUT he managed to overcome his debilitating fear! How did he do it, you ask? By simply acknowledging and accepting the strangely comforting truth that other people (i.e. the driving instructor) don’t think (or care) about you or what you do nearly as much as you do, so just…don’t worry. It’s honestly incredibly liberating to embrace this concept so please try it, for your own sanity. I myself am a stay-up-at-night-lamenting-the-stupid-shit-I-said-that-day person but in all honesty, I can see that not every ridiculous nugget that drops out of my mouth is entirely memorable, if at all (thank god). So let the social anxiety go. Let it gooooo.
5. Know your limits. Self-soothe as needed.
This one’s pretty self-explanatory really. Listen to your body. It knows what it needs. Sometimes we just need alone time to do what truly makes us feel good in a judgment-free safe space. So get the extra mall pretzel.
6. Be…open. To whatever.
Stevie: So, just to be clear… I’m a red wine drinker.
David: That’s fine.
Stevie: Okay, cool. I only drink red wine. And up until last night, I was under the impression that you, too, only drank red wine. But I guess I was wrong?
David: I see where you’re going with this. Um, I do drink red wine. But I also drink white wine. And I’ve been known to sample the occasional rosé. And a couple summers back I tried a merlot that used to be a chardonnay, which got a bit complicated.
Stevie: Oh, so you’re just really open to all wines.
David: I like the wine and not the label. Does that make sense?
Stevie: Yes, it does.
As a literal lover of all wine, the above quote really speaks to my soul. Red wine, white wine, rosé, merlot that used to be chardonnay, David is open to all of it. David’s pansexuality isn’t everything about him, but he’s open about it and he dates hot people of all genders and is basically living his best life. And sure, pansexuality isn’t necessarily for everyone, but no matter your orientation, keep your options open! You don’t want to miss out on a Patrick or a Stevie by having your blinders on and sticking to a ‘type’.
7. Learn when to tune people the FUCK out.
People don’t always know what they’re talking about. And a lot of us (ladies in particular amirite) opt to be polite and hear these dum-dums out before going on our way and doing what we want anyway, not benefiting from their advice in any way, shape, or form. In this day and age, we just don’t have that time to waste. Feel free to let people know when you don’t want to hear it. Because you truly DON’T have to. I’m actually gonna tape this to my computer while I’m at work as a daily reminder to myself TBH. This lesson is particularly key as a coping mechanism against mansplainers. You don’t have to listen to their shit and nothing (too) bad can happen from simply being straightforward and upfront with people, despite the pressure we are made to feel in daily society to be pleasant. The world will not actually implode if we dare to be mildly impolite at any given time. I KNOW. Who knew?!
8. Don’t be afraid to be a little selfish every now and then.
Similar to “listening to your body”, this important lesson inspires one to go a little further and indulge in what makes you truly happy. Don’t wanna hang with people? Then don’t! Feel like treating yourself to a spa day and tapping out of life? Go ahead! Opting to drink two bottles of wine at dinner on a Wednesday just ‘coz? You do you boo! (I’ll do that one too…) These moments will keep you sane. Don’t abuse them, but indulge as needed. Maybe have a buddy system like David and Alexis where only one person gets to activate the selfish at a time. It’s honestly genius.
9. Understand what it means to be a good friend and do that.
Read: be there and take an active interest in your friends’ lives and well-being (and drink their booze) but understand what true and rewarding friendship is really based on (lies). Worth keeping in mind when the group chat is on the verge of blowing up and you need to either step up and get more involved with what’s going down, or alternatively step back and preserve everyone’s feelings (including your own) by avoiding drama and shutting your ass up.
10. Take a time-out. Let loose. Get high.
Presented without comment. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS DAVID.
11. Don’t be afraid to dream big, despite how ill-equipped you are to make it happen.
Minimal funds? Never had a real job before? Completely out of your comfort zone? Surrounded by people with zero faith in your ability to succeed? What the hell! Throw everything you got at opening a completely vague OTT store with a super-wanky name in your new rural uber-tiny town! Or, whatever. The details will always work themselves out, you just actually have to make the initial move for everything else to have the opportunity to fall into place. As in David’s case, you must learn to have faith in the right people, your own instincts and the success of a good idea. No matter how pretentious it is.
12. Make the first mooooove!
WHY ARE THOSE TWO CUTIES JUST CUTELY LOOKING AT EACH OTHER ALL CUTELY UNDER A HEADING TITLED “MAKE THE FIRST MOVE”? WELL I’M GLAD YOU ASKED! THE INTERNET IS A GIANT HOMOPHOBIC CESSPOOL OF LAMENESS AND I CAN’T FIND A *SINGLE* GIF OF THESE TWO MACKIN’ ON IN PATRICK’S CAR. UNBELIEVABLE. Anyway. Even though your past may be littered with awful exes who never truly cared about you, crushed your will to live and smashed your heart into a thousand tiny pieces, a delightful dream of a human who loves you unreservedly may be coveting your attention right.under.your.nose! But they might need to be nudged a little. You never know, they may be going through some shit. They may be shy. Hell, they may be straight! Who knows. Just help ’em out and don’t be scared to make the first move yourself, if that is what your heart desires. You may just help evolve someone’s sexual preferences altogether! And of course all of the above needs to happen in a strictly consensual framework, obviously.
13. And above all, when in doubt, drink it all away.
TBH, if there’s only one thing you take away from David today, make it this one: alcohol makes everything better. Any kind. Every kind. Just make it boozy.
Now please watch Schitt’s Creek so I can talk about it with more people please. My bestie has banned me as he’s about had enough of my excessive Dan Levy-related chatter, so I need new recruits. You won’t be sorry and you have HEAPS of time to catch up before season 4 arrives. You can thank me later, once you’re in the midst of your own addiction. Dan Levy has truly created the perfect comedy.
Oh, and did I mention we were totally dating IRL? NBD TBH.
All images do not belong to me