Met Gala 2017: Highs, Lows, and those who didn’t bother

Really, was there even a theme last night? YES, THERE WAS, AND IT WAS AVANT-FUCKING-GARDE WHICH MOST OF THESE PEOPLE SEEMED TO HAVE TOTALLY SKIPPED WHEN READING THEIR INVITATIONS. Sure, there were some (obvious) standouts and some pretty gowns that would have been wonderful at literally any other red carpet event, but it’s the MET goddammit, have some respect.

So, yeah, you could say I have some ~feelings~ about the Met Gala.

This is by no means a recap of alllll the outfits though (you can find them on, like, literally any other site), these are just my most passionate observations about the fashun that I obviously felt strongly enough to share. Please share yours also. I love this shit sooooo much, despite the bitching and moaning. Oh, and criteria for the rankings hinge on the individual’s interpretation of the theme (in my completely unfounded opinion). This year it was “Rei Kawakubo, Commes Des Garçons: The Art of the In-Between” and it was only the second time in history this Gala has celebrated a living designer (the first time was in 1983 for Yves Saint Laurent for those playing at home), so it was kinda a big deal. Rei Kawakubo’s collections embody innovation, recreation, hybridity; redefine classics; play on proportions and scale; push the boundaries; and above all – challenge the traditional norms and standards of beauty. It’s subversive. The dress code said “avant-garde”! It was a chance to play and do something different and not be ‘safe’. So. On that basis, go forth and judge for yourselves!

They can get it

Jaden Smith is always, always, always pushing boundaries when it comes to fashion (modelling unisex lines, wearing skirts, etc.) so he was always going to take this theme and do it well. And he did it in head-to-toe Louis Vuitton while holding his own motherfucking dreadlocks. AND I desperately want those shoes. The man is wearing heels and holding his own hair in a way that hair has never been held before (let alone on a red carpet) and I’m into it. All of it. He is amazing. I’m excited to see everything he wears forever more and enjoying his madcap interviews.

Pharrell Williams and his wife Helen Lasichanh can both get it in my opinion. I love both of these looks (and they’re both Commes Des Garçons) as cracked-out as they are. I appreciate the play on proportions and the perfect CDG red. She literally looks like the CDG heart logo. God, I love her. She’s so damn cool.

Rami Malek consistently dazzles me on the red carpet, and he particularly brings it to the Met. Last year it was in blue Dior Homme, and this year it was bright red Dior Homme. And he did it flawlessly. The cut of the suit, the lack of tie, the floral motif, this is as innovative and interesting a male red carpet look we will ever see I reckon. LOVE it. I could stare at him all day. Rami wins all the things.

“I’d rather be pretty than dress for a theme at the most famous costume gala on the planet”

BEYONCÉ DID IT BETTER. GTFO.

Is Elle Fanning fucking with us in this MiuMiu confection? In no single way does it reflect the theme. There’s not even the most watered-down detail to connect to it in fact. BOR-ING. Love her though, so this kills me. But the dress…I just can’t.

Ooooh yeah, talk about innovation. Long gown. Slinky and form-fitting. Backless. Sparkly. This Stella McCartney dress is not even remotely pushing the boundaries in any way, shape or form, not is it interesting in the slightest (other than the way it clings to the perfect body it adorns). And Gisele Bundchen was a CO-CHAIR of the event. But she STILL couldn’t phone it in! I find this personally offensive. I hope Anna Wintour thinks twice before inviting someone so basic to co-chair this event again. I mean really.

Argh. This hurts. Gwyneth Paltrow in Calvin Klein is a great look – if it was at literally any other red carpet at any other event this year. Alas, she didn’t even check the theme before she made a call and got this one couriered to her at the last minute. Obviously since the Vogue/Goop collab got announced last week, she had to show her face. And, yeah, the way she did it pains me. Oh Gwynnie, she of the white Tom Ford cape, whyyyyy?

Okay. I think the time may have arrived for me to relinquish any hope for Jessica Chastain. Seen here in the blandest lemon chiffon Prada gown of all time, I have held Jessica on a pedestal for years. But the more I think about it…the more I struggle to remember why (purely sartorially speaking). Sure, there was this McQueen and this Armani Privé but other than that…there were a lot of misses. I think my affection for her as a person/actress has been clouding my judgment and I need to let go of my hopes for her whenever she turns up to an event. It’s okay just to love her and not her clothes. It feels weird to say that, but it is.

For JLo in Valentino see above re: Elle Fanning in Stella McCartney. But with more ranting and raving about this terrible hair thing happening.

Just another Kate Hudson non-event. I don’t think Stella McCartney was the right choice at all, for anyone, for this particular theme. If it was “beautiful, understated and flattering genericness” then yeah, sure! But it weren’t. So it ain’t. Also, Kate, Nicole Richie did the hair better, and for a more appropriate theme (Punk: From Chaos to Couture). Just saying.

I HAVE ACTUALLY SEEN THIS AWFUL ZAC POSEN GOWN 18,000 TIMES ON 18,000 DIFFERENT RED CARPETS IN 18,000 VARIATIONS BUT ALSO ACTUALLY MAYBE THIS EXACT ONE SPECIFICALLY. KATIE HOLMES SURELY YOU CAN PULL RANK AND GET SOMETHING BETTER THAN THIS LOWER-TIER GOWN, SURELY?

Full disclosure – I love you Reese, and I kind of love this dress and I acknowledge that this Mugler gown is a departure for you and is actually much improved compared to your usual Zac Posen-clad basicness, but ohmygod is this seriously the most groundbreaking thing you could come up with? An elaborate shoulder detail and shift skirt? Reeeeeeaaaaally? Would it tarnish your good-girl-Draper-James image that much to wear something more interesting and even slightly polarising? I’ll never give up hope for you. Even if the golden Nina Ricci was over 10 long years ago. And even if I’ve almost exclusively hated everything else you’ve worn since…I’ll never forget.

Oh Sarah Paulson, I actually don’t know WHAT you or stylist extraordinaire Karla Welch were thinking with this ill-fitting Prada monstrosity, truly.

Scalped, dead, deceased, shook, all the things, all of them, thas me

You know why I love Zendaya’s Dolce and Gabbana ballgown so effing much? Other than the simple fact that she looks spectacular in it? It’s because it subverts literally every trope that a ballgown look usually demands. It is VIBRANT, not muted. It is PRINTED and BOLD, not one standard uniform colour. She is wearing RED lipstick, not a generic nude lip. And her HAIR. Her hair is spectacular in all it’s natural glory – it is let out, it is voluminous, it is unrestrained i.e. the exact opposite of a sleek chignon up-do. Every expected element of a “big ballgown” look has been flipped on its ass in the most incredible fashion. Literally. I love it.

Gigi Hadid in TOMMY HILFIGER on the GOOD list?! I know, everything about that sentence is nuts. But I weirdly like this, and I did the moment I saw it. The long sleeve, the fishnets, the full half tulle skirt, the rigid form of the other half skirt, the endless sea of beige…it does feel kind of like it’s pushing the boundaries, right? It’s an in-between of an old-school ballgown and a structured futuristic shift dress and it’s done well. I fully expected Gigi to turn up in some sparkly half-naked boringness (a la Kendall, Kylie, Selena, Bella, et al) but she completely surprised me. She went there. She wore a gown that recreated the blush-nude-tulle gown trope and I am here for it. Also…that face. Swoon.

This is Caroline Kennedy and she is a walking exhibit in a truly avant garde CDG dress and I squealed so loudly when I first saw it that only dogs in the surrounding few suburbs could hear me. And then I texted it to my bestie and made him love it too. It was a great moment to see this wonderful lady so wholly embrace the theme and bring it. It brings me joy every time I look at it. All of it. WHERE ARE HER ARMS? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Solange is in a sleeping bag dress by Thom Browne and the most amazing ice skates I’ve ever seen. I want to be her. Nobody else could EVER come close. But I mean…Solange does this every damn day. “Pushing boundaries” and “wearing art” is like breathing for her. So of course she nailed it.

Tracee Ellis Ross…now consistently one of my favourite dressed people on any red carpet, might be one of my all-time faves, just EVER. I can’t recall a time in recent history where she has disappointed me with her sartorial decisions. Tracee was also dressed by Karla Welch but with VERY different results than Sarah P. It is worth noting that she is also in CDG and thus the fact that she is nailing it isn’t really a surprise. But you have to have a certain style and attitude to pull something like this off so successfully (e.g. imagine a lesser being such as Emmy Rossum rocking up in this – not the same, right? It would be a mess). Anyway. I LOVE YOU TRACEE. I LOVE THIS DRESS. AND YOUR SHOES. AND THAT YOU CAN HIDEY-HIDE YOUR FACE BEHIND THE COLLAR OF YOUR DRESS WHEN YOU ARE ~DONE~ WITH PEOPLE. BASICALLY, STAY FLAWLESS YEAH?

HOLY SHIT RUTH NEGGA THIS IS AMAAAAAZING! From certain angles she literally looked flat! Talk about playing with the perception of scale, I lost my damn mind as soon as I saw her. Plus she had cornrows. Plus the back had some creepy ass print on it that could’ve been feathers or demon heads. PERFECTION.

Rihanna. Commes Des Garçons. Embodies innovation, recreation, hybridity. Redefines a classic asymmetrical gown. Plays dramatically on proportion and scale. Pushes the boundaries of shape, textiles and patterns. And above all – challenges the traditional norms and standards of beauty while being completely and utterly beautiful. From her topknot, to her pink highlighter, to her CDG gown made completely of CDG hearts, to her entirely-laced-up-legs, Rihanna slayed in every.damn.way. Can we just give her all the awards for winning every Met Gala forever and until the end of time? WHO else could come for her? WHO? Nobody, that’s who. And look at her…that face…she fuckin’ knows.

Now someone hurry up and finance this movie already.

Images: eonline.com/au via Getty and Vogue.com via Shutterstock