Oscars 2017: Room For Improvement

WELL. That’s putting it mildly. I actually had to take the night to process all the feels I felt about yesterday’s Oscars. There is a LOT to unpack, I was on a damn rollercoaster of emotions until the LAST second, and I’m still coping with the grand finale. In order to cover everything I want to talk about and make sense of it all, I have divided the event into Fuck Shit and Good Shit. Let’s see how the tally holds by the end of it and get the fuck shit out of the way first so I can rant and rage…stay tuned for the Good Shit.

Fuck Shit

The Fashion

See above for reference. Unless it was spectacular (see: “Good Shit”), it was boring. You disappointed me Emma Stone. I can’t believe that boring gold fringed thing was what you chose for your big night. I was rooting for you(r dress)! You normally always delight me! Michelle Williams, you’re dead to me too. Charlize – why? Nicole, you wore fucking PEACOCKS at the Globes! I loved your crazy ass! And for the Oscars you reward me with THIS? Alicia Vikander…you are SO beautiful, why do you always make trash red carpet choices? Is that a messy loose bun? What is the cut of that dress? Why with the strappy shoes?! Fuck their boring ass dresses. Now, let’s get real.

Casey Affleck

This absolute douchebag. “I wish I had something more meaningful to say…” Could he be anymore fucking tone-deaf? I knew in my heart of hearts it would be Casey Affleck standing on that stage holding the award for Best Actor, but I hoped against all hope it would be Denzel instead. That the Academy would do good one more time and give it to the right person, instead of another sad white Boston dude with a history of sexual assault allegations (settled before going to trial, so no details made public, if that means anything). What this says, and what was written all over Brie Larson’s face, is that there is a threshold for how bad you can be as a white man in Hollywood and how far they will go to not only defend you, but reward you (just look at Nate Parker being held accountable for his actions and completely blacklisted if you need a specific comparison). And if it’s just a case about ‘art’ and ‘acting’, you can’t tell me nobody acted at least not as equally well as Casey Affleck last year who could have been awarded instead of him. You can’t tell me that, because Denzel Washington fucking exists and destroyed emotions in ‘Fences’ so I know that’s a lie. Ooh, and his face. He slayed me. Denzel wasn’t having ANY of it and neither was I. Fuck Casey Affleck.

For your viewing pleasure, my two fave related tweets:

And fuck this:

“One of the first people who taught me how to act was Denzel Washington, and I just met him tonight for the first time.”

Hacksaw Ridge Winning Literally Anything (2 awards)

Like Casey Affleck, Mel Gibson also has a history of assault with the added bonus of racism and anti-Semitism (I’m sure there’s more isms we can add in though)! Good news though – he’s white and has a lot of friends from his boys in the Academy so he also gets a pass now. Please note, this is a man who has said, ver batim, all of the below:

  • “You look like a f—cking pig in heat and if you get raped by a pack of n—ers it will be your fault” (to his girlfriend at the time)
  • “The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world”
  • “They take it up the ass. [Pointing at his posterior] This is only for taking a shit. I became an actor despite that. But with this look, who’s going to think I’m gay? It would be hard to take me for someone like that. Do I sound like a homosexual? Do I talk like them? Do I move like them?” (re: gay men)
  • “Threaten ya? I’ll put you in a f *ckin rose garden you c-nt! You understand that? Because I’m capable of it. You understand that?” (also to his girlfriend at the time)
  • “What do you think you’re looking at, sugar t-ts?” (to a female cop, arresting him)

Welcome back to the inner fold Mel! Hollywood loves you! Fuck Mel Gibson.

Best Director

Barry Jenkins (‘Moonlight’) was robbed. La La Land was a boring piece of self-indulgent white-washed Hollywood nothingness by Damien Chazelle. But sure, give it to him. Fuck that.

Jimmy Kimmel

Sooooo many people seemed into Jimmy Kimmel as a host and it left me utterly confounded. The total disregard for any of the movies, the bro-dude in-jokes with Matt Damon, the awkward skits…the list goes on. But the WORST was when he routinely made fun of every vaguely ethnic, non-white name that he came across. Mahershala Ali? He was a fucking nominee and eventual winner AND star of the Best Picture – maybe fucking learn his name and have some respect instead of mocking it and shitting on one of the highlights of his career (twice!). Not to mention his newborn baby! Oh, and the tourists that came through? When he struggled with that poor lady’s name and then skipped her to the next guy, proclaiming, “oh Patrick, that’s a name!” I wanted to punch his stupid face. It’s 2017. You’re a live TV host, you should be quick on your feet. Think of better jokes. Fuck Jimmy Kimmel.

Moonlight’s Moment Being Tarnished

They won, so it’s a good thing and will be covered appropriately in the “Good Shit” portion of the evening, but fuck, how amazing would it have been if it was announced properly and the celebration could have erupted properly?? That being said, I thought it was fun that they got to snatch their awards back from the La La Land people. Seriously though, if I read one more thing about how “gracious” the LLL cast/crew were when it was discovered I will…I don’t know…write a think piece about it or something or just get very violent. I did not see grace or goodwill on that stage when they realised there was an error. I saw people continuing to try and give an acceptance speech (to the “blue-eyed wives”…) and distinctly heard one guy whine like a little bitch in the most annoying tone of voice “we lost, by the way” as well as “you guys should just keep them anyway” from Kimmel (see above, re: “Fuck Jimmy Kimmel”). At least Josh Horowitz was like “shut up, that’s enough, let’s welcome my friends from Moonlight to the stage instead!” because everyone knew they were the rightful winners.


Images: Getty via eonline.com