Golden Globes: The Show

Welcome back for round 2 of Golden Globes coverage! The show itself was not the most exciting of all time and Fallon certainly left a lot to be desired as host, but it did have it’s moments! And – surprise, surprise! I had a lot of thoughts as I watched.

The “Tell Me When It’s Over” Moments

  • The pre-show reel was boring as fuck. But in a bland, inoffensive way – until it became all about Justin Timberlake and his bromance with Jimmy Fallon. Then it became straight-up offensive. The teleprompter breaking for Jimmy’s opening monologue was karma for this I think (she works quick!). Thas what you get for letting JT’s ginormous ego take over. But who cares really, the Globes are always kind of a fun shit-show anyway where everyone gets drunk and actually enjoys themselves, but the fact that Jimmy took so long to get it together and actually crack a joke was a bit embarrassing. I mean, he’s a comedian and a live talk show host, it shouldn’t have taken that long to come up with a crack about technical malfunctions (the evening is, after all, produced by Dick Clark productions – they of the Mariah NYE fiasco).
  • The actual monologue was also a massive bust. Jimmy’s impression of Chris Rock had me squirming (in a very, very bad way) and that’s before they even showed skeevy perv Casey Affleck’s face in the crowd. Luckily for Casey though, he’s white and in a very privileged circle of friends so nobody mentioned his assault allegations all night, not even in an edgy, jokey way. And he’ll probably win tonight. And probably at the Oscars too. So that’s awesome. Anyway. At this point, I still was yet to laugh one actual time. BRING BACK TINA AND AMY. Fuck, even Ricky will do at this point.
  • Emma Stone presented the first award with the other Ryan…as in Reynolds, not Gosling. Whyyy? I love her chemistry with Gosling. So not only was I robbed of that interaction, but Mahershala Ali was robbed of his win for Moonlight…I can’t believe Aaron Taylor Johnson won for Nocturnal Animals! Did not see that coming. I don’t think he did either. And douchebag Billy Bob Thornton over Rami Malek? Ew.
  • Casey Affleck’s win.
  • Having to endure almost 30 entire seconds of Casey Affleck’s grossness. It was 30 seconds too long. I won’t be able to cope when he wins, like, everything this season.
  • Um. Tom Hiddleston for The Night Manager?! He campaigned HARD for a win but I’m truly shocked he won over Courtney B. Vance. Tom does not seem as surprised by me though, he was *ready* with his speech! A very long speech at that. A very long, slightly cringe-worthy speech about how the series “helped” volunteers in the Sudan. I mean…it was a nice overall sentiment at first but did anybody else feel a bit cringey by the end? I feel like he just really wanted to be a part of a Golden Globes ‘Moment’ and you can’t really throw shade on him because of content of the speech but still. Orrrr, he’s just working overtime at erasing the memory of his “I <3 TS” shirt from our brains. Joke’s on him though because it’s been permanently etched onto the public’s consciousness forevermore. Hah.

The “Shut Up And Let Me Just Enjoy The Moment” Moments

  • Best Actress – Musical or Comedy. I had my fingers and toes crossed for Tracee Ellis Ross (and for Julia Louis Dreyfus to have the damn night off – I mean, I love her, but we all know she is good in Veep at this point, enough is enough). And fucking TRACEE ELLIS ROSS WON! SHE ACTUALLY WON! AND GOT A STANDING OVATION! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!  Fuck, though. Tracee is just the coolest chick ever right? She is amazing. Great, fun, gracious speech also – “This is for all the women, women of color, and colorful people whose stories, ideas, thoughts are not always considered worthy and valid and important. But I want you to know that I see you. We see you.” She looked so happy! I am so happy for her. I squealed when she won/made history (the first black woman to win the award since 1983. I mean, shit).
  • Holy shit, and Donald Glover won TWO awards for Atlanta. I am in shock. I can’t remember the last time the Globes were ever so relevant and on point at the right time (see: Kyle Chandler’s win for Friday Night Lights; Jon Hamm for Mad Men, etc.! They normally dole out awards like 4 seasons too late so this is a significant improvement. The HFPA is forgiven for the erroneous first 2 awards of the night. Me from 2 years ago was SO psyched about this win. Like, I love Donald of course, but I LOOOOVED Donald 2 years ago. Phew. It was a big moment.
  • Any and every glimpse I got of Jake Gyllenhaal got me riding hiiiiiiigh.
  • Happily, (and obviously), Sarah Paulson also nabbed the Golden Globe for her performance in The People vs. OJ Simpson (to place next to her Emmy). She, again, looked stunning but her hair was a tad weird. I liked the Emmys look so much better, but still, love.Holland Taylor would be so proud. Cuties.
  • Justin Timberlake did not win a damn thing. And you KNOW he expected to. Which made it all the more delicious to watch his ass lose. We’re not out of the woods yet though! It will especially kill me to see him win an Oscar so let’s all pray to the Awards Show genie to give it all to Lin Manuel Miranda instead please. The Globe itself it went to “City of Stars” from La La Land. Fine, whatever.
  • Supporting Actress – Major Motion Picture had me holding my damn breath. It HAD to be Viola and it was. I was already tearing up before she even got on the damn stage… the feels were real. And the speech was hilarious and touching and absolutely perfect for such a long overdue award. I was legit weeping by the time she uttered Denzel’s name, not to mention my state by the time she started talking about her father. Phew. Well deserved. Take it all the way to the Oscars Viola!
  • Dev Patel’s pint size adorable co-star Sunny Pawar had my entire heart by the end of their intro to their film Lion. His unwavering grin and immense pride in his little suit was everything. My heart…
  • Goldie Hawn.
  • There was lots of love in the room for Ryan Gosling for La La Land…well, La La Land in general (it got all 7 of the awards it was nominated for…I just…I don’t know. I liked it, but it didn’t blow my mind. I think Hollywood just really likes it because it’s about their little bubble). Still a highlight though, overall because I just wouldn’t have been able to stand Reynolds’ smug face if he won. The Gos gave a great speech as well. Heartfelt AND funny is a tough line to straddle but he did it perfectly, and I remembered just how much I miss having him around. Though I also appreciate that he goes away for so long that it gives me time to miss him and forget some of the dumb shit he says. He also very sweetly dedicated this win to his wife who was going through it while he was making movies. It was pretty damn emotional, especially when he dedicated the win to his late brother-in-law.
  • Andrew Garfield consoling Ryan Reynolds for his loss. With tongue. Revisit the best moment of the night (again and again) here: 
  • To nobody’s surprise, Kristen Wiig and Steve Carrell were the funniest presenters of the evening and I was pretty much silent crying/laughing the entire time. Carrell literally had tears in his eyes. They are brilliant together. Let them host next year! That being said, I hated the nude underlay under Kristen’s otherwise beautiful white dress. It should have been an equally crisp white underneath, not cream/nude. But who cares, it’s Kristen Wiig.
  • Queen Viola presenting Meryl Streep with the Cecil B. DeMille award. And she relished every.damn.moment. I’m obsessed with their friendship and I want desperately to be a fly on the wall of a room in which they both exist for a mere moment – that ALONE would be enough for me to die happy. These two women deeply admire and adore each other and I love it. Viola’s intro was so brilliant it would have stolen the whole damn show if she was introducing a remotely lesser being. I was in awe of her. She made an awards presentation a work of art.
  • Meryl’s acceptance speech. I mean, shit. That right there is what we call a “mic drop”. After reliving some of Meryl’s most iconic moments, the legend herself headed to the stage to accept her Lifetime Achievement Award (in a gorgeous black and bejewelled gown)…and she’d lost her whole damn voice after attending the Obamas’ epic last White House party. She scraped it together though for a passionate, rousing speech that eviscerated Trump and his administration in its entirety. It was beautiful. And depressing. But beautiful. If you haven’t seen it yet…I mean…why are you even reading a pop culture blog? Fucking watch it. Ugh and when her voice cracked at the end mentioning her dear departed friend, Princess Leia, I maybe shed a tear. I did. I definitely shed a tear.
  • Actress – Major Motion Picture Comedy or Musical went to Emma Stone. She was pretty magnificent in La La Land. Just a minor note: one of my pet peeves is when an actor thanks “my” cast or “my” crew when they accept an award…it wasn’t YOUR film and they didn’t exist to serve you. It’s a minor thing, but it’s something I notice every damn time. My gorgeous, delightful, flawless Emma Stone did not do this, and for that, I love her even more. I really, really want her to win the Oscar in February over Natalie Portman (but I would also be cool with Annette Bening swooping in there to be honest).
  • Natalie Portman lost in her category to fucking Isabelle Hupert!!!!!!!! Talk about an upset. Natalie thought she had it in the bag. Leo thought she had it in the bag. THE WHOLE UNIVERSE THOUGHT SHE HAD IT IN THE BAG. This was utterly heaven to witness and experience as a longtime *opposite of ‘fan’* of Natalie’s. Her face when she lost…OMG it was the slightest falter of all time, but it was there. You could see the *does not compute* message flashing behind her doe eyes. Shit, she even got pregnant again for this campaign trail! What more do these people want from her?!
  • But the cherry on the fucking cake came at the very end. MOONLIGHT won Best Motion Picture – Drama. I didn’t even dare to hope for it because I never would have believed that the HFPA would have gotten it so, so right. But they did. And it won. And it was glorious. I hope they sweep every award from here until the Oscars.

On that happy note – what a day/night! I was surprised, I was disappointed, I was delighted and I was entertained. This is why I bloody love Awards Show Season. See you back here for the SAGs!

Feature Image: Reuters via IOL