Golden Globes: The Red Carpet

HAPPY AWARDS SHOW SEASON! We are kicking off with the Golden Globes and I cannot contain my excitement. It is my favourite time of year, seriously (even more than Christmas…!). Today I’m excited to see what Emma Stone is wearing, just how irritable Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds will make me and if the HFPA will allow Queen Viola Davis to slay to the degree she deserves.

What will follow is a stream of consciousness thought process of all the red carpet glamour. You’ve been warned. Stick with me if you can, and let me know your thoughts. Even if you disagree with me. A little healthy discussion can’t hurt my fragile egomaniacal feelings too much.

Goddammit I quite like Kristen Bell‘s Jenny Packham look. And I can’t stand Kristen Bell for the most part. But it’s structured and sparkly and black and her hair is the most fabulous textured bob I’ve seen, so I can’t hate today. The *only* thing I would change is the diamond earrings. I think it would have been more effective to go with another gem because black and diamonds is a bit…safe/dated. And she could’ve done SOMEthing on her lips. They’re a proper naked nude. I would’ve gone a peachy pinky gloss personally. But that’s just me.

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Oooh interestingly, Amy Adams is also in structured black sequins! And diamonds! And no lip colour! Oop, someone is getting fired a la Anthony Burrell. She still looks beautiful, obviously, as she is so beautiful and she’s wearing Tom Ford (lucky lady – is she going to get to wear his gowns for life?) but it sucks that I just saw Kristen Bell in something so similar first.

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Initially, I thought Natalie Portman looked BEAUTIFUL and had vastly improved on her assy pregnancy style from last round of awards season when she was knocked up (eurgh, remember the shiny pink satin sheet held up by a red rose at the 2011 Globes? *vom*)! I like the chartreuse but I just don’t think it fits right. It looks absolutely massive on her and I think she’s trying to be Jackie O way too hard but Jackie would’ve had better tailoring. AND I hate her mother-of-the-bride bouffant hair. Okay, and I am not feeling her diamond earrings. This is where she could have worn some beautiful colourful gems and truly dazzled and modernised the look. But she has colour on her lips so…I mean, there’s that. I actually don’t know why I liked this at all, in hindsight.

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I finally got a good look at Mandy Moore after countless glimpses. She is indeed beautiful in a midnight blue Naeem Khan and I’m a fan overall. It fits perfectly, the oversized gems are stunning, as is her makeup. I’m sensing a nude-lip theme though and it makes me so sad. She’s in all navy, with dark hair and a smoky eye and NOTHING on her lips. Whyyy? Not even a soft rosy pink? That being said, I’m just so happy Mandy is a thing again and This Is Us has been such a huge success. It is a great show and she is great in it and she deserves a career win.

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TRACEE ELLIS ROSS is my best dressed. OMG. I don’t care what anybody else is wearing today, she just took the crown. The rings on every finger, the bright red lip, the sickeningly perfect fit of the gown (intriguingly skintight and cut at the ankle – odd length but it works) and her silver dazzly shoooeeees and and and her Diana Ross hairrrr UGH IT’S JUST ALL SO PERFECT I CAN’T DEAL.

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Felicity Jones looks underwhelming in nude lace. That’s all. Except, it looks pink in the pictures and so now I like it even less. Ew.

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MICHELLE WILLIAMS AND BUSY PHILLIPS! What an awkward interview. When Ryan Seacrest asked about their dresses and Michelle responded with “did you just ask what I’m wearing? Did you whisper that?” I felt so sad that she made me annoyed at her. I love Michelle. I adore her. I love Busy. But come on. You’re on a goddamn red carpet and you’re a spokesperson for different brands (as indeed, she is for Louis Vuitton). When someone asks you what you’re wearing on the red carpet, a stage for millions to observe (and indeed, the reason you are given designer dresses on loan), you answer the damn question and understand your place in the ecosystem. Alternatively, wear jeans and a t-shirt and stroll right in without doing interviews, okay? There’s a time and a place to ask about an actor’s clothes, and this is IT. That being said, I hated her choker and her lacklustre Louis Vuitton slip dress. I think her date Busy Philips looked 8000x better in her Stella McCartney gown and coral lips. HEAVEN.

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Andrew Garfield is very, very sexy and wears a tux very, very well. I have missed him around! I think he’s been off the grid for a while right? Pity it’s for Hacksaw Ridge (directed by jerkface Sugartits himself, Mel Gibson). I now pray to the gossip gods above that we get an Andrew/Emma reunion tonight, PLEASE. She’s on the Oscar trail and it will get a lot of coverage so I’mma stay tuned here. (Edit: I was wrong. I continue to hope throughout Awards Show Season).

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I need Justin Timberlake to fuck the fuck off though. He thinks he is soooo funny and it makes me cringe and want to die. Who told him he was funny? Was it the SNL cast? He did okay on SNL but he is not funny, as a whole, especially not on his own. He needs to be staaaahped. I can’t with him. And Jessica Biel is just along for the ride. These two are the actual worst. He is the Worst worst though. Because not only is he infuriating and unfunny he is also ridiculously self-obsessed and makes every moment about himself, even when he’s attempting self-deprecation. JB just follows his pathetic lead. Also, her dress looks like your grandmas best winter tapestry. I’m not entirely sure what a winter tapestry is, but it sounds like what this dress looks like.

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Sienna Miller looks a bit…shit. Nowhere near her old standard. It’s a basic white dress with cutouts (well, it is Michael Kors). And lots of pearls. And a messy ponytail. I’m bored.

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OMG Nicole Kidman looks like an insane figure skater. WHAT ARE THESE PUFFY CHIFFON SLEEVES? Why? Why are they there? Her style used to be so amazing, she was always my best dressed. Alas…not today. I don’t even care if it’s Alexander McQueen, the execution sucked. (I’m sorry Sarah Burton!)

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That being said, HELLOOOOO EVAN RACHEL WOOD. Shit. She might be my second best dressed. What a hot, fierce bitch. THAT is how one wears a tuxedo. It is Altazurra and tailored like a dream, the pussy bow shirt is a nice touch and her face and hair are heaven. What a stunner. I’ve been crushing on this lady for years and I’m not about to stop anytime soon. Love. Her.

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My girl Kerry Washington did not disappoint. She is in a stunning golden D&G Alta Moda gown, also cut at the ankles like Tracee’s dress. I’m SO into this. It’s embellished, it’s metallic, she is wearing a deep dark burgundy (brown?) on her lips and I’m in love. L-O-V-E.

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Good grief. I can’t handle this. Ruth Negga looks outrageously spectacular in her silver sequined dream of a sheath dress by Nicholas Ghesquiere. I think it’s my equal #1 Best Dressed. Ruth + Tracee = Heaven. The extra details on the side of the gown (metal bows?!) are also a great touch. She is so beautiful. And regal-like. I’m a bit intimidated by her to be honest. Shout-out to Joel Edgerton our fellow Aussie being a legend also. It makes me happy to see him so successful over in La La Land (…the place, not the film).

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Meanwhile, Chrissy Teigen sitting on the stairs behind Ryan Seacrest and chatting to Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively actually makes me not seethe when I see them. I love her so much that she like, untaints their presence. So if she wants to be friends with them, I shall not begrudge her. Her Marchesa gown though…meh. I’m not a Marchesa fan but she does elevate it at least.

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Blake Lively’s gown on the other hand…well, I don’t think I’ve actually ever seen her in an interesting dress. She’s such a basic ballgown princess dress person. I don’t care for it. I’m also over the Deadpool thing…it came out last February but Ryan is legit going for an Oscar nomination (what). He’s so desperate, it’s like he’s likening the challenge of getting the film made to Leo battling a damn bear in The Revenant pretty much. Shit, he’s even releasing his kids’ names AND faces at highly public, hugely opportune moments so you know he’s serious about this. Eye-roll. I hope this bitch never complains about “privacy” ever again. He and Blake were just holding out for maximum effect.

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I LOVE Octavia Spencer in this Laura Boschi custom tux and doing something different! I’m sick of designers dressing curvy women in the exact same way, in the same type of dresses, all the time. Also, the giant emerald nugget on her finger is beyond…it is eye-popping. DAYUM. She looks so, so beautiful. I also can’t wait to watch Hidden Figures – I saw the trailer on the weekend and I was already weepy by the end of it. That being said, where are Taraji and Janelle?

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Let’s take a moment to give it up for Pharrell. He is always in something interesting and today he is in a Chanel look with chain-type things and jewels and impeccable tailoring and a beanie. It is perfect.

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OH! There is Janelle! She looks exactly as I would expect her to look on the Globes red carpet, but even better in custom Armani. She is a breath of fresh air at these events. And as Giuliana correctly points out, Janelle is already a hugely successful and talented musician (I love love love The Electric Lady so much), but she’s now attending the Globes and starring in TWO fantastic films – Hidden Figures AND Moonlight. Slay, queen.

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VIOLA! VIOLA VIOLA VIOLA! My stunning flawless queen looks stunning and flawless and the love is spilling the eff out of me. She is resplendent in yellow, her face is heaven, her skin is beyond luminous and she’s dripping in diamonds as.she.should.be. I am gagging to see her and Denzel in Fences, I am very excited by it. As I am by Viola’s imminent win. Woohoo!

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Emma Stone! Fiiiinally. It’s…not what I expected. But it is a beautiful, sparkly, star-y Valentino gown and she looks like a full-blown Movie Star. I prefer when she is in colour (apparently it’s “pink” and not translating to screen), but she looks beeeaaautiful regardless and she’s probably holding out for the Oscars. That being said, we have so many Emma red carpet opportunities to look forward to throughout the season. But I still like it. It’s a nice look to ease into it all. Overall, Emma > Natalie. Including for Best Actress. There, I said it.

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Haylee Steinfeld looks…like…a friend of Taylor Swift’s. It’s a frothy, lavender, tulle confection from a 70’s prom (Vera Wang) and…I hate it. She seems very sweet though so I want to move right along.

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Meanwhile, I just had to catch my breath and take a second…I just saw Reese Witherspoon in yellow and my heart stopped. The last time she had a truly fabulous yellow moment was (in my opinion) in the yellow Nina Ricci cocktail dress she rocked after her divorce from Ryan Philippe so I just got very excited. I needn’t have bothered. She’s in fucking taffeta again. FUCKING. TAFFETA. Who keeps doing this to her? Who has told us THIS is the look for her? I bet it was Zac Posen too. (Edit: It was Atelier Versace). I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, but Reese used to always be one of my best dressed ladies (hmm it was probably like mid 2000s I guess…) and it still pains me to see this shit.

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I like Ryan Gosling in his ‘lil white tux. It’s very old-Hollywood and smart. As I said, I did just watch La La Land though so I think I’m incredibly tainted/biased when it comes to Ryan and Emma at the moment. Do we think he’ll attend the Oscars with Eva Mendes? I feel like they’re saving it for the Oscars. If they hold out though and manage to resist, that puts them above Ryan Reynolds and Boobs Legsly in my opinion. It just really gets me when they all bitch and moan about giving their kids privacy (Ben Affleck/Jen Garner, Ryan/Blake, etc. etc.) and then they do the pap stroll at the farmer’s market or at the Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony and you just want to shake them and remind them they are the ones keeping the cycle going, you know? Anyway, these are obviously my issues.

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With that, it’s off to the show. These are my red carpet thoughts, stay tuned for my seething rage over the winners!

Feature Image: Getty via Elle.com