Boy, Bye

Is the collective ~vibe~ I’m sure we are all feeling for 2016. But I’ve been thinking all year long now (hah hah hah)…can it even get better in 2017? Should one even make a single resolution of self/life-improvement or are we doomed by the actions, events and choices we made in 2016 forevermore?

I mean, it will now go down as the Year That Shall Not Be Named in all of history but hasn’t it set the basis for THIS year? How can 2017 be an improvement withOUT Carrie Fisher & Debbie Reynolds? WithOUT Prince? WithOUT Bowie? WithOUT Barack Obama as POTUS and Michelle Obama as FLOTUS and Sasha and Malia as FKOTUS (Fabulous Kweens Of The United States)? Like, why even bother? Not to mention the inordinate overwhelming extra shit the world is dealing with. If you start to think about it too long the panic sets in and you start to choke so best to do in fragments and with wine close at hand.

That being said, I am determined to make it a little better than last year for myself personally (and those in my immediate vicinity). This year I will not be moving out of my childhood home, my beloved pet dog will not pass away and I will not be leaving my first job out of uni. As in…some of the worst shit of my life has already happened and can’t happen to me *again* in 2017, so there’s room to move from the pile of rubble where I stand today. Sure, there are a plethora of tragedies that could befall me instead (oh god why am I typing this why can’t I stop jinxing myself why am I so morbid stopppp me) but I DID survive 2016. And that instils in me the smallest amount of faith.

So to make 2017 marginally better (pleasenotworse, pleasenotworse, pleasenotworse) I endeavour to –

  • Save more goddamn money.
  • Stop spending an entire reasonable-if-not-slightly-below-average wage on new makeup products each month.
  • Save more goddamn money by not spending a reasonable-if-not-slightly-below-average wage on new makeup products each month.
  • Not cry at work (okay, well, to be more reasonable I will allow ONCE per week, ONLY in a private cubicle).
  • Update here at least 2 x per week MINIMUM and try to forget that exists and nothing I write will ever be as entertaining or funny or clever or awesome.
  • Try not to spiral into an existential crisis every time I remember that exists
  • Be nicer to celebrities on the internet in case I DO become best friends with Beyoncé and have to face all these people in person one day.
  • Slowly start wearing less and less makeup (in stages – a subtle enough reduction for people to not ask if I’m “okay” or “not feeling well”) so I can be one of those girls that barely wears foundation and that is just a thing that is accepted about her face because that is how everyone always sees it and she looks normal and pretty regardless and not crippled by self-doubt and feeling naked without any makeup on. Would also reduce my getting-ready-time in the morning by an eternity/20 minutes and provide me with a priceless sleep-in. Send CC cream and tinted moisturiser recommendations ASAP!
  • Make lunches at HOME and stop buying food so often
  • Save more goddamn money by making lunches at home and not buying food so often.
  • Eat, like, healthier stuff (though there was a period of 2016 where I religiously prepped/ate coconut chia puddings for breakfast every damn day for a month and I’m pretty sure I was glowing…with self-righteousness…so this is possible, if not sustainable).
  • Drink less wine, less often.
  • Be kinder to myself and more forgiving of my imperfections i.e. if one can’t stick to drinking less wine, less often, don’t beat oneself up about it.
  • Include more reasonable resolutions on public resolution lists.
  • Drink MORE wine, MORE often and be proud of one’s honesty and more enjoyable personality.
  • Buy kickass new sneakers and actually fucking use them
  • Be less obsessive about my hair and accept bad hair days and not let them ruin my entire fragile disposition.
  • Say “no” more often, with less justifications. Just say NO.
  • Have more realistic expectations of loved ones and mediocre acquaintances when it comes to text-response-speed, as they may have lives.
  • Go outside more often. I spent a significant portion of my brief summer break at the beach and even though I was on my phone quite a bit, I also quite enjoyed it. I think I just like being near the water. Amending this to simply be “go and sit near water more often” whether it be a beach, pond, puddle, open tap, etc. there are no rules.
  • That being said, go on less holidays and save some more goddamn money. Even though my holidays were the lit-er-al only good parts of my 2016. Hmm. Potential to revise by end of year. Actually, please disregard.
  • Read as much as I do on summer holidays (finished 3 novels in 3 days like a BOSS). Potentially may have to quit job to genuinely achieve this though, so, just “read more” in general.
  • Stop re-watching old TV series I know I already like (Broad City, Will and Grace, Survivor, Real Housewives, etc.) and actually watch the new good shit that I keep adding to my ever-growing “must-watch” list so I can truly be a part of the pop culture conversation in a timely manner.
  • Apply for Australian Survivor, fuck. I keep forgetting!
  • Alternatively, faithfully recap each episode of the next series of Australian Survivor and try not to let my bitterness seep through every word.
  • Delete Tinder. I estimate my quality of life and overall self-worth will increase by ~250%, at least.
  • Put my phone down at any concert I attend this year. It will be on YouTube eventually anyway. As are millions of other videos similar to what I will have the opportunity to WATCH IN REAL LIFE, WITH MY OWN EYES. I’m talking about Adele. I’m going to Adele. And I’m going to be sitting in sickass seats with my mum and two of my beloved besties and this singular event may save my entire 2017 from being anywhere near as shitty as 2016 and I’m okay with that. It’s all downhill after March.
  • Stop getting so ragey at people that tell me to “try wearing more colour!” I really like black. I’m into greys. Super into navy. If I wear another colour I maybe had an aneurysm and wasn’t thinking clearly when I actually purchased everything in my fantasy Asos cart, so don’t make such a big deal about it okay?

Is there anything else I am crap at that you think I can improve on this year? Other than, you know, gripping my alcohol tighter.