The BeyMAs

At the time of starting this is post, the telecast hasn’t even started in Australia yet. But I’ve already seen Blue Ivy in a damn ballgown with kicks and braids and have had my damn LIFE. It’s not even 10am. But I am DONE.

The show has started. A lot is going on. I will be recapping as I watch so bare with my *emotions*. I have some already. First up, cringing irritation. Key and Peele are embarrassing themselves and me and I want it to end. Rihanna has already done an entire song, but without singing a word. She’s coming back 3 more times tho so…she’s hopefully saving herself. There’s no actual host so I don’t really know what’s happening at all (seriously…so confused…where are the voices coming from?!) but a lot of things are happening and I’m pretty sure Drake has already won a thing! He’s not there though so I’m in extreme panic mode – IS HE REALLY NOT GOING TO BE PERFORMING WITH RIHANNA? He will obviously be there. He has to.

Second performer of the night is Ariana Grande…I wish…I took my headphones out while listening to that. She performed on a bike…I’m not even typing anymore. I don’t care. NEXT. This production value is for shit. And the graphics are horrendous. The more MTV tries to be edgy and have their (it’s?) finger on the pulse, the more awkward and uncomfortable I feel. They could not be further from their intended goal and it makes watching the show damn annoying. Beyoncé deserves better than this when she graces us with her presence.

From now on, only sporadically focusing on what I care about, stay with me.

OMG. Kanye. I was actually nervous about what was going to go down. BUT I’M HAPPY, SO HAPPY. Kanye said a lot of things. Some funny things, some wise things, some wide-ranging things. These things were my favourites:

“I am Kanye West. That feels really good to say. Especially this year.” I feel that boo. You are in the clear.

“Later tonight Famous might lose to Beyoncé. But I can’t be mad. I’m always wishing for Beyoncé to win!”  My favourite Kanye has to be the laughing, grinning Kanye that loves Bey, showing his cheeky light side as he gushes over her. Awe.

“I put Ray J in the video…this is fame bro…I see you Amber!” Shoutout to Amber too, I love her <3

“I love everyone. That’s why I called her!”  Gurl, bye. I’m done. No words needed.

“So I was speaking at the Art Institute last year and one kid came up to me and he said, “Three of my friends died and I don’t know if ima be the next. You know when you’re a senior, and it’s like the last month and you just don’t feel like doing any more work. If you feel like you seeing people dying right next to you, you might feel like, “What’s the point?” Like life will feel start to feel worthless in a way. I know times for me, I sit down and talk to older, rich people (aka white). they tell me, don’t compare yourself to Steve Jobs, don’t compare yourself to Walt Disney. And my friend … told me, “Don’t compare yourself to these people.”  My friend told me there’s three keys to keeping people impoverished: that’s taking away their esteem, taking away their resources and taking away their role models.” I get what he means. He gets there in a roundabout way, but I get him. Everyone deserves to look up to whoever they wish and believe they can get there too, no matter the colour of their skin, their upbringing, or what people tell you you can have and who to look up to. You do you Kanye, I’m here for it.

It’s kind of endearing to see someone care so much about literally anything. He is so damn earnest. And he’s always so close to making a really fucking good point before he gets in the way of himself. But no matter what, his performance is gonna be good coz it always is with him. And hotdamn Teyana Taylor is bringing ittttt. Phew. I’m out of breath just watching her. And even though I’m a Dubs fan, nice to see Iman Shumpert. And I mean nice. Like, real, real nice. Dayum.

RiRi is back with a Rude Boy/Work medley and it is good because I can watch her partying and dancing all day long but more importantly, she was introduced by queen Naomi Campbell who is wearing Pat McGrath Lab’s Lust lip kit and I dieeee. Cannot explain the pangs I feel every time I see it. Can someone buy for me please? I could wear glitter lips right?

OOP HERE WE GO. SHUT IT DOWN. SERENA IS INTRODUCING BEYONCE YESSSSS BEYYYY I AM READY FOR THIS! OKAY NOT WRITING WHILE SHE’S ON, I HAVE TO TAKE IT IN. SHE’S DOING THE ALBUM, FUCK, I CAN’T COPE. SHE IS PERFORMING LEMONADE IN ITS ENTIRETY WITH THE POETRY DAMNNNN.

Dead. Deceased. Over. She smashed a damn camera with a bat. Right on target. I’m crying. THAT is what we call Black Girl Magic and that’s exactly who that performance was for. Beyoncé slayed. Your faves could never. Her dancers were literally in formation as the Venus symbol. I mean. I can’t really think coherently right now but if you’re interested in seeing my full breakdown check out my twitter. I’m also not qualified to fully break that performance down. Or to express how much it meant for her to take Lesley McSpadden-Head, Sybrina Fulton, Wanda Johnson and Gwen Carr (the mothers of Michael Brown, Trayvon Martin, Oscar Grant and Eric Garner, respectively – not to mention every amazing woman featured in ‘Lemonade’) with her to the VMAs. I probably can’t even appreciate the value and gravity of such a performance to its fullest extent, but I do love her. And everything she does. Everything she does is Next Level and she is now in a position to be heard, and for people to take note. So I hope the world listens.

This is why I just won’t hear it from the haters. When Bey comes to slay, she slays to the highest level. She recreated a damn visual album (that has already scalped the world) on stage at the damn VMAs. The poetry, the dancing, the vocals, the beautiful women who accompanied her, the braaaaaid, it was everything. I don’t think I will actually process it fully until I watch it again. Right after I stop repeatedly watching the gifs of Blue Ivy passing on having her pic taken with the paparazzi. This child. This flawless child. From the train on her gown, to the braids to the sneaks, I just about lost my mind. She is truly Beyoncé’s child.

Anyway. I’ll be fine. But Britney…poor Britney has to follow THAT. However, as Roxanne Gay pointed out: “I love Brit Brit. She knows her lane, gets her lip sync together, and tries hard.” And the memories. We’ll always have the memories. But that lame short performance is not what I expected. I genuinely thought I was about to get my life and see a recreation of Brit Brit’s biggest VMA moments through the ages to remind us why she’s a Legend. Like, at least have a damn snake, or SOMETHING. Not that I expected it to be performed at the same level obviously.

The USA Final Five gymnastics team could not be more talented and adorable and I love them. They are presenting Best Female Video to who I expect will be Bey for ‘Formation’ and this is going to be a very cute moment…oh, yep, it is adorable indeed. OMG she is kneeling down to hug them all and my heart is squeeeezing inside my chest. By the way: Queen Bee should’ve won every single thing she was nominated for. The disrespect of awarding Fifth Harmony the statue for Best Collaboration in a world where Lemonade exists is a foul joke and plain RUDE considering what Beyoncé just gave the BeyMAs. Like, she won 8/11 awards but that number should have been 11/11.

By the way – that does indeed make Queen Bee the recipient of the most VMAs of all time with a total of 23. Most. Of. All. Time.

To be honest though, now that she’s done, I’ve totally lost interest. There’s a Jonas onstage with some ridiculous people, Naomi is letting Kim near her, some young white people are introducing some people I don’t know, that Halsey person is still trying to be a thing with lots of underboob action but literally not a single person has a single fuck to give…it seems like I can stop watching now, right? We done?

Wake me up if Bey comes back.

Wait, Rihanna has me back in 0.5 seconds with the first note of ‘Stay’. She really is magnificent. Followed by fucking ‘Diamonds’ – these songs kill me. This is why she is getting the damn Vanguard award, shit. PRESENTED TO HER BY YOURS TRULY, DRAKE. First he got her a billboard, now he’s here in a tux and presenting bae with a very well-deserved award and being adorable while doing so.

“She’s someone I been in love with since I was 22 years old.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, but for real. I just had heart palpitations. I can’t wait for these two to finally get it together forreal forreal. What a nice note to end on!

I mean, all in all, that was a shit-show by MTV. Beyoncé and Rihanna saved us all and gave us life. I had a lot of thoughts and emotions and I tried to be as rational as I could instead of simply ugly crying over Bey and I think I did okay, considering. Today, I feel blessed. And scalped.

NEW YORK, NY - AUGUST 28: Beyonce and Blue Ivy Carter attend the 2016 MTV Video Music Awards on August 28, 2016 in New York City. (Photo by Noam Galai/MTV1617/Getty Images for MTV)

Images: Getty Images